'It felt incredibly insensitive and tacky': Couple in their late 30s request birthday money from their 30-year-old couple friends every year

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Aug 10, 2025 10:00 AM EDT

Birthdays are important stuff, no matter how old you are. I think it's kind of sad when adults stop caring about their birthdays. I know that the most "birthday energy" should go toward children since they enjoy it the most, but we shouldn't gloss over adult birthdays. You've earned it. You've had more trips around the sun. You're older and wiser and should be congratulated for that. Sure, you might not want to rent a bouncy house and hire a birthday clown, but you do want to mark the fact that time has passed, and is that so wrong?

It turns out that as an adult, you have to be careful of the way you celebrate your birthday, lest you alienate your friends. Most of this is common sense, though. Don't make anyone spend an exorbitant amount of money on your birthday. It's not their birthday. You shouldn't expect people to empty out their wallets every year just because you turned another year older. Even if you're willing to do that for them, it doesn't always go both ways, nor should it have to. 

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  • A woman in her 30s dances in a birthday sash.
    via Unsplash+ (A. C.)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • But this one couple didn't quite understand that and acted a little young for their age around their birthday. What they thought was a normal gift exchange idea turned out to be a quick way to alienate their friends. Read on to see who you think was in the wrong and who you think was in the right. 

  • AITA for not chipping in for my friends' birthday gift money, even though they asked?

    My husband and I are in our early 30s, and we're friends with a married couple in their late 30s. Every year for their birthdays, they text us asking us to chip in for a gift. My husband and I aren't "birthday people." We don't celebrate with friends or expect gifts. We just go out to dinner and celebrate the two of us. We're more introverted and prefer low- key birthdays, though we'll happily show up and celebrate with friends who throw parties.
    via u/Top_Sheepherder_3853
  • What gets me is being asked for gifts at our age. I was raised to believe that you should never ask for a gift, that it's ride. So, every time I get a text asking us to chip in for their annual birthday gift, it just rubs me the wrong way, especially since we're all adults in our 30s.
    via u/Top_Sheepherder_3853
  • The whole situation feels off to me. We actually found out that one year, they had already bought their gift before asking us and other friends to chip in. It felt less like a group gift and more like they were trying to get reimbursed for a purchase they had already made.
    via u/Top_Sheepherder_3853
  • This year, the situation crossed a line. My husband's stepfather had been battling cancer for over a year and passed away over the weekend. They texted us to ask how he was doing, and we told them he had passed and that we were grieving. An hour later, they texted again, asking us to pitch in for a birthday gift. It felt incredibly insensitive and tacky.
    via u/Top_Sheepherder_3853
  • It's also important to mention: They never text us happy birthday or get us gifts in return. Do I have a stick up my a or is this crazy behavior for people in their mid 30s???
    via u/Top_Sheepherder_3853
  • An adult woman plays a game in a birthday hat where two hands cover her eyes.
    via Unsplash+ (A. C.)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters agreed that this was a weird ask.

    riontach 11h ago NTA. Asking friends to chip in for a group gift is something you do for someone else, not for yourself. How incredibly tacky.
    via u/riontach
  • No-College4662 · 11h ago . Why on earth have you ever participated in this nonsense?! Just say sorry, not this time and repeat that every year until they stop asking. If they persist, have an adult conversation. Nta
    via u/No-College4662
  • mavenmim · 11h ago NTA. Asking people to chip in for a birthday gift for an adult? I'd find that as weird as you. Birthday (and Christmas) presents are for your spouse, children or grandchildren, and for the close friends of your
    via u/mavenmim
  • children that invite them to parties. Maybe a best friend, if it was a milestone birthday and they were having a party. But unrelated adults? Hardly ever. Expecting people to chip in for their choice of gift just seems weird and entitled.
    via u/mavenmim
  • GardeniaFrangipani 11h ago They're not your friends
    via u/GardeniaFrangipani
  • Taisiecat 11h ago • NTA. You are correct that this is crazy behaviour. I have two very close friends who I still buy birthday presents for but they are quite personal gifts. They would never dream of asking me to chip in for something and I would be horrified if they did. And to ask when you're grieving is just so crass.
    via u/Taisiecat
  • Next_Explanation_... 11h ago NTA If someone asked me to chip in for their own gift I think I'd lose it. They definitely need confronting, "what are you 10"? Sounds about right. ? If they must have gifts...Do a white elephant once a year for all your birthdays and put a $20 hard limit on it.
    via u/Next_Explanation_657
  • Thi... 10h ago Edited 10h ago . . I was raised to believe that you should never ask for a gift, that it's rde. You were raised well. I was raised the same. It IS r de. It is EXTREMELY r de.
    via u/ThisWillAgeWell
  • I have never in my life ASKED for a gift from anyone, not even from my parents. For a gift to be meaningful, it must be given freely, not requested. You can certainly state your preferences if someone says "I don't know what to get you; what would you like?", as long
    via u/ThisWillAgeWell
  • as your answer doesn't oblige the giver to spend a certain minimum amount of money. It should always be the giver who decides if something is within their budget, not the recipient. For example, if someone says to me "I want to get you something for your birthday! What would you like?", I might reply "How thoughtful of you!
    via u/ThisWillAgeWell
  • But I don't need things that sit around the place and gather dust. I like things I can eat". That gives them the option of getting me a chocolate bar costing no more than a few coins if that's all they can afford. If ever a friend ASKED me for a gift, they would rapidly find themselves on my ex-friends list.
    via u/ThisWillAgeWell
  • we told them he had passed and that we were grieving. An hour later, they texted again, asking us to pitch in for a birthday gift. These "friends" of yours sound like insensitive jerks. Why exactly do you call them your friends?
    via u/ThisWillAgeWell
  • My friends may see me as an ahle for not participating in what they consider a thoughtful group gift, and for potentially hurting their feelings. Why do you care about THEIR feelings? They obviously don't care about yours! I'll vote NTA for now, but I'm a whisker away from voting E- S-H because you're behaving like such a doormat.
    via u/ThisWillAgeWell
  • For god's sake, grow a spine. Either tell these freeloaders their behavior is extremely ride, or cross them off your list of friends and you won't have to deal with this problem any more.
    via u/ThisWillAgeWell
  • Responsible_Lawye... • 9h ago NTA. I can't believe that someone who's almost 40 years old asks people to chip in for their birthday gift! I'm so embarrassed for them. How strange.
    via u/Responsible_Lawyer78
  • foomprekov⚫ 10h ago You're in your thirties. The only birthdays that matter are your immediate family. These people are insane. They're just asking you for money.
    via u/foomprekov
  • Playful_Robot_5599 · 10h ago NTA I would politely answer, No Thank you. Seriously. Asking for a gift without ever returning the favour is ride enough. Texting you when they know you're grieving is unacceptable.
    via u/Playful_Robot_5599
  • Dante2377 • 3h ago . NTA. adults who make it a thing for their non milestone birthdays are annoying. asking people to pay for a gift for yourself is probably the literal example of "tacky" in the dictionary.
    via u/Dante2377
  • Sunmoon98 · 1h ago NTA and tell them how r de it is especially since they never wish you a happy birthday, nor chip for any gifts for anyone else and someone just passed. People like this are entitled and needs to get checked before they learn to stop
    via u/Sunmoon98
  • . Life_Scratch_2807 1h ago Respond with: "my birthday was (date) did you forget my gift in the mail?
    via u/Life_Scratch_2807
  • PrestigiousFace6756 1h ago • NTA. They are incredibly r de and insensitive. I'd just say no we won't be chipping in.
    via u/PrestigiousFace6756

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